Today, I realized something of importance. Although the notion of "growing up" has been embedded within my head, the realization is not as easy as I thought before. Even more, I thought I am a grown up. Well, according to my age, I am supposed to be mature enough. Yet, among all friends, in facing many circumstances, it is very often that I acted like a child; emotional, reactive, careless and worst, brainless.
It is not a surprise that I thought of suicidal most of the times I feel devastated, especially in romance. Stupid? I perhaps am; or maybe definitely am. I won’t deny.
So, this morning, I just feel like my problem is cracking my head. Nobody said composing a thesis would be easy; people would tend to love if there’s any help offered. So do I.
I was very glad that my genius man was just discussing to help me build a great case of research. Unfortunately, it turned out nothing like I had imagined before. I know that he ‘likes’ to be in control, but nothing like this. He wanted me to follow exactly everything he wanted me to do, without any further discussion. Nothing at all.
My concern is more that I want him to believe in me too. I want him to give me some portion of decision-making, so that I can gain a little bit of confidence over what I was about to submit. You know, every thing he said is like a constitution; black at the top of the white, no bargaining whatsoever; do it or die for the punishment.
However, when I was about to tell my friend about the frustration I am going to (like I used to couple of months before), suddenly I hesitated. I knew he wouldn’t like me saying anything bad about him to my friends or relatives (basically anyone), so I stopped abruptly.
Out of nowhere, I began to think of it positively. I tried to change my perspective. I attempted myself to take a look at this as a form of affection, sacrifice, and hope. I should have been very thankful for having a mentor just like him.
I found faith, as one thing that will remove all doubts and negative impositions. Faith is indeed the foundation.
Despite the fact that sometimes I feel deceived, I have doubts in my heart, I can’t stop believing in this special man, without really knowing the reason why.
Maybe, I just want to. Maybe, I just am growing up.
