Lelah Terus Begini

Ingin aku mengutuk diri atas kekerdilan hati dan iman. Kenapa tak pernah berpuas diri, Ratih? Kenapa selalu ada yang salah? Kenapa harus selalu rendah diri dan skeptis?

!

Be careful when you possess access, you might be defensive, you might be blocking people's way, you might be rude, you might be arrogant. 

Hadirkah kamu?

“Kalau lawan bicaramu mendengar dengan sepenuh hati, beban pikiranmu menjadi ringan. Kalau kamu tambah ruwet, meski yang mendengarkanmu tadi seolah serius mendengar, berarti dia tidak benar-benar hadir untukmu.” 

― Dee, Supernova: Partikel

Mencari (menerima) Pasangan Hidup

"Jika kamu ingin memiliki pasangan hidup sesempurna yang kamu inginkan, maka pacarilah bayangan yang muncul saat kamu menatap cermin."
Hiiiii sounds creepy karena malah keinget film Occulus. Euw.
Mungkin disaat kamu merasa tidak lagi bahagia, atau tidak lagi dibahagiakan, atau mungkin sedikit jenuh dengan pasanganmu, mungkin itu artinya kamu belum menerima dia apa adanya. Masih menginginkan yang lebih. Lebih disini bukan berarti menginginkan orang lain yang lebih dibandingkan dia, tapi menginginkan dia yang lebih baik.
Gini gini, contohnya kamu menginginkan pacarmu lebih perhatian, lebih halus, lebih wangi, lebih licin.....lah malah iklan rapika. Ya pokoknya menginginkan dia menjadi seperti yang kamu mau, itu sebenarnya menyakiti hati pasangamu.
So, mari merenung.
Setiap orang dilahirkan tidak sempurna, maka dari itulah Tuhan menciptakan berpasang-pasangan. Kamu pun sangat jauh dari sempurna. Sangat sangat sangat jauh. Jadi kenapa kamu mengharapkan ia lebih sementara kamu sendiri sangat kurang?

Amin

Join " what kind of doctor could you be?" quiz in Facebook and suddenly surprised with the result.

What shown as my result was similar with my goal.

What kind of doctor I could be?

..............

.............................

..............................................

An Oncologist

"An oncologist specializes in dealing with cancer. It's a challenging, and often heart-breaking, medicine to practice. You have to be good at empathizing with people, but also a strong attention to detail, and a general passion for science (how else will we ever find a cure?). You also have to have a strong emotional foundation to deal with the everyday tragedy - and to really be overjoyed at the news of remission and recovery."

Could I be?

Think the opposite, girl!

Whatever all ladies were thinking on their relationships, they were looking at it the wrong way. Ladies might feel secure by their intellectual capacity, independency, empathy, and caring attitude. But hey, those are not not something a guy would look for. At least, those are not the most important thing.

According to a guy I respect, guys look for comfort. They already handle stressful decisions throughout the day working, they don't need anymore arguments that would only show how intelligent the girl is, or any issues that force them to use the brain heavily. They need comforting conversations, they need not whines nor complicated story on how the girl dealt with her insecurities. 

So we might be dealing with this stuff wrong all along. 

The question I have yet been able to answer is the fact that ladies love to share a lot of things, including how her day went, or how frustrating the work was, etc. How do you then combine these two contrasting tendencies?

Kuning bungkam

Bukankah kau memanggilku sahabat
Lalu mengapa masih saja kita sama-sama lebih terbuka kepada yang lain?
Mengapa kita saling membiarkan dunia membaca kisah kita,
Tapi tak sedikit pun terbuka satu sama lain.

Mengapa kita saling terluka,
Tanpa saling menguatkan, sahabat kuningku?

Tumbuh

Aku sedang bertumbuh. Sedang di persimpangan. Di tempat di mana menjadi naif dan menerima realita beradu pandangan. Rasanya ingin aku jadi kerdil saja. Tidak perlu bertumbuh dalam suasana serba tidak nyaman begini. Aku terus ingin berkubang dalam kolam kenyamanan, tanpa perlu menggubris lalu lalang orang yang berkeliaran. Tanpa perlu mendengar dan peduli cemooh orang.

Aku benci bertumbuh. Tapi aku harus. Aku tidak punya pilihan. 

Kalau aku benar ingin jadi lilin, aku perlu dibakar untuk dapat memberi guna. 

Dan sekali saja berpikir dunia ini tidak melulu mengenai diriku.

Sedang Sepi

It is always easy to feel that you are broken; to be the victim; to feel weak as if everything is beyond your control. There are in fact too many times I let my emotions define who I am. 

Things went different way this time. It is no longer a good type of 'peeling' anymore. You have come to the scar, and for sure it is nothing convenient. You have come to the idea of losing, of letting go if things go unwell.

Weird, but you feel nothing but ready. Is that even a sign?

Things are Getting Better

Hi, kind people who have a lot of spare time to read my blog! hehe.

On 4-7th September 2014, my 4 friends (ya you can read it as 3 best friends and 1 boyfriend) and I joined Asia-Pacific Global Health Conference at AIMST University, Malaysia. We came to present our 3 posters (from only 10 selected abstracts around the world, Hallelujah). Besides presenting posters, we also attended many keynotes, joined Medical Olympiad and workshops, and get a lot of new friends from other countries. Five of us trying to boost our University and Indonesia, but in fact, the acceptance of our friends in Indonesia is in contrast with what we expected. 

Do they envy? Then why?

You also have the opportunity, what matters is how you use that opportunity as much as possible.

IDC! Anyway, it's an honor to have my university's name&logo in an international event!

I will try harder, be more widen my wings, jump as high as the stars. Because all the prayers and advice of my parents are stronger than all the insults from people around me.

Wish me luck!

Woman is The Reflection of...

"My wife got sick. She was constantly nervous because of problems at work, personal life, her failures and children. She lost 30 pounds and weighted about 90 pounds. She got very skinny and was constantly crying. She was not a happy woman. She had suffered from continuing headaches, heart pain and jammed nerves in her back and ribs. She did not sleep well, falling asleep only in the mornings and got tired very quickly during the day. Our relationship was on the verge of a break up. Her beauty was leaving her somewhere, she had bags under her eyes, she was poking her head, and stopped taking care of herself. She refused to shoot the films and rejected any role. I lost hope and thought that we’ll get separated soon… But then I decided to act. After all I’ve got the MOST Beautiful Woman on earth. She is the idol of more than half of men and women on earth, and I was the one allowed to fall asleep next to her and to hug her. I began to shower her with flowers, kisses and compliments. I surprised and pleased her every minute. I gave her a lot of gifts and lived just for her. I spoke in public only about her. I incorporated all themes in her direction. I praised her in front of her own and our mutual friends. You won’t believe it, but she blossomed. She became better. She gained weight, was no longer nervous and loved me even more than ever. I had no clue that she CAN love that much. And then I realized one thing: the woman is the reflection of her man.

If you love her to the point of madness, she will become it."

-Brad Pit

Virtuous wife

Who can find a virtuous wife?

For her worth is far above rubies. 

The heart of her husband safely trusts her; So he will have no lack of gain.  

She does him good and not evil, all the days of her life.

She seeks wool and flax, And willingly works with her hands.

She is like the merchant ships, She brings her food from afar. 

She also rises while it is yet night, And provides food for her household,

And a portion for her maidservants. She considers a field and buys it;
From her profits she plants a vineyard.

She girds herself with strength, And strengthens her arms.

She perceives that her merchandise is good, And her lamp does not go out by night.

She stretches out her hands to the distaff, And her hand holds the spindle.

She extends her hand to the poor, Yes, she reaches out her hands to the needy.

She is not afraid of snow for her household, For all her household is clothed with scarlet.

She makes tapestry for herself; Her clothing is fine linen and purple.

Her husband is known in the gates, When he sits among the elders of the land.

She makes linen garments and sells them, And supplies sashes for the merchants.

Strength and honor are her clothing; She shall rejoice in time to come.

She opens her mouth with wisdom, And on her tongue is the law of kindness.

She watches over the ways of her household, And does not eat the bread of idleness.

Her children rise up and call her blessed; Her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many daughters have done well, But you excel them all.”

Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.

Give her of the fruit of her hands, And let her own works praise her in the gates.

?

I believe we know exactly what we need. We know our strengths and weaknesses at the same time. We know how to make our lives more meaningful, yet under whatever reasons, we just let ourselves get carried away. Something is definitely wrong here. Please tell me why.

Amazed

This person seriously has no idea how amazing he is. To be short, he is one of the nicest things that ever happened to my life. Just one out of few people that I truly respect and adore. He is just kind-hearted, above all. And the fact that he might not even realize it, amazes me even more. 

But,
what kind of people am I for him?

Ratih, jangan stres.

Recognize your limitations and don’t overdo it.
Don’t get too down on yourself for not getting things done.
Try to eliminate thoughts revolving around a need to be “productive”.
Recognize your needs and articulate them, especially when it comes to relationships with others.
Realize there’s nothing wrong with being “selfish”.

Cry when you need to.
Identify and eliminate toxic people and behaviors from your life.
Remember, you’re allowed to say “NO”, and you deserve love too.
Taking care of yourself and putting yourself first in a capitalist system is a form of resistance.

remuk.

Dunia Sekitar

Pernahkah kau berpikir
Hidupmu tidak adil

Karna engkau merasa

Kecewa karna hal yang kecil kau anggap besar

Seakan hidup ini berakhir

Tidakkah kau merasa

Harusnya kau berpikir

Masalahmu yang kecil

Tidak sebanding dengan apa yang dirasakan

Banyak manusia diluar sana

Hai cobalah kau melihat

Dunia disekitar

Dengan mata hatimu

So give your love

Your love

Your love

Your love

C'mon people

Hingga engkau mengerti

Tidak banyak manusia

Seberuntung dirimu

Yang berharap uluran tangan tak kunjung datang

Namun senyumnya tak pernah hilang

Jadi mulai sekarang

Cobalah tetap senang

Saat cobaan datang

Karna itu akan selalu datang dan hilang

Seperti hari siang dan malam

Langkah manusia menjadi nyata

Saat bertindak bukan berkata

Belajar makna dari senyuman mereka

So c'mon people

Let's do it now

Let's do it now

SD Jegong 1, Kecamatan Jati, Blora

17 Juli 2014

Percaya Itu Indah

Tuhan ajar kami untuk percaya

Saat kami ada dalam gelombang bimbang

Ajar kami tuk percaya juga saat kami hanyut

Dalam rasa takut kehilangan

O Tuhan ajar kami tuk tetap percaya

Juga saat kami lemah dan tak berdaya

Ketika cinta kami tersamar rasa cemburu

Ragu, sakit dan kecewa

Sebab mencintai tanpa percaya

Laksana berjalan tanpa tentu arah

Buat cinta kami tumbuh karena percaya

Karena percaya itu indah

Tuhan ajar kami untuk mencinta

Ketika mencinta kami terluka

Ajar kami untuk tetap bisa mencinta

Saat kami tlah habis tenaga

O Tuhan ajar kami tuk tetap bisa mencinta

Saat kami ditolak dan ditinggalkan

Ketika cinta kami yang telah kami tawarkan

Terasa sia-sia

Kamu.

You may have no idea how much progress I am having since you are around. Listen, you brought the best in someone, you should know that.

Yes, I do have some more wishes for you to fulfill, but I am happy and that's all that matters. I am thankful beyond words. You are the magic.

When two persons fall in love day by day.

He might make her cry, but nobody can make her smile like he does.
He might make her mad, but nobody can make her laugh like he does.
He might stress her out, but nobody makes her happier than he does.
Although it may feels like the right thing to do to leave him,
she just feels so wrong without him because nothing makes sense,
nothing feels the way it's supposed to,
nothing feels right.
But with him,
it's just something she can't explain.
Although it might feel like hell when they argue,
when they're getting along, it feels perfect.

Deep pathetic, he said

Tonight is not a new night. It is a same night when I would feel lonely, very sensitive and not confident about everything. The journey has not been too smooth. In fact, this journey is crazily bumpy; it hits my face too many times. I am tired, I am exhausted, but I am happy. To be able to create a smile in other people’s faces, deliver satisfaction for others, it’s so damn amazing to me.  But why? Why do I feel like this for so many times?

Indeed, everything is going to be alright at the end, but why do these feelings keep on coming back? Despite my hard work, despite the prayers I have sent, despite all the good things that have happened to me? Like it’s never enough. Like it’s an unfinished business.

Bertahan

Semakin hari semakin malas rasanya pergi kesana.

Ke sebuah bangunan yang harus kudatangi untuk memenuhi tanggungjawabku sebagai anak yang sudah dibiayai untuk bersekolah disana.

Bukan karena bosan dengan kegiatan belajar, bukan juga karena jadwal yang semakin sibuk.

Semata-mata karena lingkungan yang mulai berubah, gosip dan fitnah yang semakin lantang terdengar dan tersebar luas tanpa satu pun dari mereka ingin tahu kebenaran yang ada.

Aku harus bertahan.

Tuhan selalu punya cara untuk mengujiku. Mungkin ada satu waktu dimana aku merasa mendidih, muak dengan semua permainan-Nya. Ingin keluar. Atau mengumpat-umpat dengan segala sumpah serapah. Ayo bertahan. Kamu tidak sendirian, tih. Bukan satu-satunya yang sedang berjuang.

Tuhan, aku lelah.

Tapi aku harus yakin bahwa selalu ada senja yang mendamaikan, untuk mereka yang telah berhasil tetap bertahan setelah bertarung seharian. Di tengah terik yang menyengat dan melelahkan. Kata mereka, apa yang kamu keluarkan sepadan dengan apa yang kamu dapatkan, dari Dia yang Maha Memberi.

Jadi, jangan menyerah. Bertahanlah.

Ketika

Ketika kamu jatuh cinta, dan mendadak saja semuanya gelap gulita.
Kamu buta. Lalu kamu menjadi lemah tak berdaya. Rapuh dan gampang terluka.
Paranoid dan mudah terbakar, bahkan oleh sesuatu yang sangat tidak masuk akal.
Tahu tidak, hanya mereka yang sedemikian berharga, yang memiliki kuasa untuk melukaimu -sengaja ataupun tidak. Dan sebaliknya juga, hanya mereka yang sedemikian berharga, yang dapat menyenangkan hatimu hingga sebegitunya.
Kamu, menjadi rentan tertawa dan bahagia, karena sesuatu yang biasanya bahkan luput dari panca indera saking sederhananya.

Series of trade-offs

Life is a series of trade-offs. Sometime (or most of the time) you need to sacrifice something, but just remember to choose the thing that makes you happiest. Know one thing that makes you happy the most. Pick it, because why living a miserable life when you actually have the chance to pick another path?
If you haven’t found that ‘one thing’, then keep on looking. Do not settle and keep on walking. Especially don’t settle when the only thing that makes you stay is your fear slash you stay just because you are too afraid to take the risk.
Take the risk; it’s either now or never.
The future is in our hand, and I myself don’t want to be that person who in the end of her life, regrets a lot and asks ‘what if’ to herself.

Complicated me.

I just like to complicate myself, thinking of things I shouldn't bother, having stupid thoughts on small stuffs instead of feeling thankful and satisfied with what I got so far. Well, isn't it a classic issue?

So I am really wondering, will I survive this time? If I ever survive, am I just adapting or am I really getting mature and realistic (as opposed to being naive). 

Oh Ratih, why are you so complicated? Will you ever be 'a half-full glass'?

Ayo Kita Raih Mimpi

Seorang teman bercerita tentang penolakan dunia terhadapnya.
Tentang cerita masa lalunya yang sering diremehkan oleh orang-orang disekitarnya.
Hampir selalu.
Pengalaman pahit sejak masa sekolah yang tertumpuk hingga sekarang, tentu menimbulkan trauma psikologis yang menyakitkan.
Dihina karena pembawaannya yang kurang meyakinkan, kerena bermimpi menjadi dokter, karena membuat karya tulis, karena punya mimpi besar.
Dihina oleh mereka yang jika boleh jujur, sangat jauh dibawah temanku ini.
Sekarang dia berusaha mati-matian melakukan pembuktian supaya diakui oleh mereka.
Meskipun sudah beberapa bukti ia tunjukkan,
hello, memang mereka peduli?
Yang ada malah semakin diremehkan, semakin tidak dihargai.
"kamu nggak tau sih rasanya diginiin.."
Maaf, aku memang sedikit lebih beruntung.
Tapi, aku bisa jadi tempat cerita, tempat kamu menumpahkan semua emosi.
Dan aku akan membantumu mewujudkan mimpimu, dan membuktikan pada mereka siapa kamu sebenarnya dan betapa hebatnya kamu.
Hidupmu nggak menyedihkan, karena ada aku yang selalu ingin membahagiakanmu.
Tapi tolong, pembuktian itu bukan segalanya.
Bukankah menabung untuk masa depan di dunia sana lebih penting?

Proposal skripsi, gerimis, telepon, teh tarik.

Hard to be

To be fearless, not senseless.
To be brave, not coward.
To be cautious, not foolish.
To be clever, not mindless.

To be myself, not anyone else.

Lelah

Bagiku, hidup itu tidak pernah terasa mudah. Bahkan ketika aku melewati hari-hari yang menyenangkan, bertemu orang-orang yang begitu peduli dengan diriku, menghabiskan waktu berbincang akan banyak hal, mengulas banyak permasalahan dan solusi yang mungkin, atau sekadar mencurahkan isi hati. Aku memang orang yang begitu rumit.

Ada banyak waktu di mana aku merasa rumit menjadi orang yang begitu rumit. Ada terlalu banyak waktu ketika aku hanya menginginkan satu hal: menjadi orang yang sederhana. Punya pemikiran yang sederhana, punya keinginan yang sederhana, dan bisa memaknai hidup dengan sederhana. Sayangnya, sekeras apapun aku berusaha menjadi orang seperti itu, aku justru semakin sulit bergulat dalam dan dengan diriku sendiri.

Ya, aku memang aneh. Mungkin yang paling aneh dari kumpulan yang teraneh. Aku tidak bisa begitu saja tidur bahkan ketika sudah seminggu aku hanya tidur selama 5-6 jam, dan melewati minggu yang begitu panjang. Aku tidak bisa tidak memikirkan hal-hal kecil tentang diriku dan hubunganku dengan orang-orang terdekatku. Aku tidak bisa tidak harus menuliskan semua isi kepalaku untuk bisa tidur dengan tenang, seolah tidak ada hari esok, dan persoalan itu harus diselesaikan sekarang.

Nah, di saat-saat seperti inilah aku merasa bahwa I am so full with myself. Padahal, jika aku zoom out sedikit saja, batang tubuhku sama sekali tidak nampak di bumi ini (baca: jika dilihat dari pesawat udara). Apalagi jika dilihat dari pesawat luar angkasa.
Kadang manusia memang suka lupa, bahwa di luar sana, ada terlalu banyak hal yang tidak bisa dikontrol. Kehidupan galaksi, bintang-bintang, bahkan miliaran ikan di lautan dan burung di udara tidak bisa kita kendalikan sepenuhnya. Kita terlalu sering sibuk berpikir bahwa masalah kita begitu rumit sehingga waktu istirahat pun pantas ditunda karenanya. Kita seolah yakin, hari esok akan tiba pada saatnya.

Memang, Tuhan punya janjiNya sendiri. Dan manusia perlu berpasrah sambil berusaha. Tapi sungguh, aku tidak ingin menjadi terlalu sibuk dengan diriku sendiri. Dengan ketololan pemikiran yang sebenarnya kuciptakan sendiri. Di titik inilah aku perlu belajar berdamai dengan diriku, dengan dunia. Menanamkan dalam otakku bahwa ada banyak hal di dunia ini yang ada di luar jangkauanku. Jadi ada saatnya aku perlu berhenti memikirkan dan mengkhawatirkan segalanya secara berlebihan seperti ini.